Whoever coined the phrase ” Love Must Be Tough” must’ve had the monopoly on parenting. In my personal experience and especially as a single parent it has been at times the highest of the highs and at other times, the lowest of the lows. I am asked all the time how I make it look so easy and what is my secret to raising happy kids that laugh, smile and play all the time. My response to that loaded question is simple… I don’t. And it’s not.
I have no secret, no magic tricks, no special formula, and it seems more times than not, I have NO idea or clue to what I am doing as a Mother. The only thing that keeps any shred of sanity in my family is the infectious & sometimes off the wall insane sense of humor that we all have. That has got to be the greatest attribute that our Creator has given any of us. Including my 7 year old daughter. I always make light of the fact that if I didn’t have a sense of humor I would be heavily medicated or locked in a loony bin a long time ago. At times in my home it feels as though I am running my own loony bin.
My kids have traveled a path with me that has been paved with domestic violence, trauma, turmoil, frequent and sometimes long distance moves, mayhem and madness. Along with & in between those times have been smiles that turn into full belly laughs, hugs that wouldn’t let go, forehead, temple and eyelid kisses, heart tugs, silliness & lots of playtime. Perhaps if I had had better training myself growing up, I may have been different with my own kids. I beat myself up for many years over my wouldas, shouldas & couldas. The roars of guilt raging inside my mind have been quieted to a whisper. They will remain my entire life, but now that I am aware of them, I am constantly in the shift. Accepting that I am only human like everyone else allows me to rest my head at night in peace.
My goal no matter the circumstances my children and I were going through was to make them laugh & smile as much as I could. I was always showing them that no matter what we were experiencing, we could find many reasons to be grateful, to laugh, to find joy in our journeys. I always encouraged & allowed them to be silly, to speak their truth, their minds, the freedom to express their hurts, concerns, anger and an open door policy & bed no matter their age. Until recently, my 13 year old still exercised that privilege.
This has had an effect that hasn’t always been welcomed. Each one of my 5 kids have gone in their own chosen direction and followed the path made for their shoes. If I look back and see the “if only I had”, it would surely be to establish boundaries that fostered and nurtured respect. Respect for me, and respect for themselves. There have been many tough choices that have been made in my family, and many of them weren’t what I had hoped for in my perfect Pollyanna image of a “Leave it to Beaver” dream life & ideal family. So many lessons, some seasoned with grace, some not so much. All of them have imparted a sense of gratitude and left an imprint of wisdom for the knowing & the growing. We all do the very best we can with the knowledge we have at any given time. This is what I know for sure.
I never had the Pollyanna life, and experienced a traumatic childhood myself, and knowing my parents did the best they could with what they knew at the time allows me to live in the grace of forgiveness & acceptance. That being said, parenting for me hasn’t always been fun and at times has been anything but rewarding. There have been moments that I wondered why I chose to be a Mom. Moments where I want to run away myself. Moments of despair, grief and disappointment. In those moments I have to remind myself of the tender moments that took my breath away and the times their little smiles melted my heart and brought me to my knees. The tender moments that seem to be a welcomed & soothing balm on the hurts and heartaches I experience as a Mother.
I have been told over and over that love must be tough. That as a parent we are at times placed in situations where we must make decisions and choices that are tough. I am not even sure what it means to BE tough love. Parenting for me, and tough love in my personal experience: Sometimes it sticks…and sometimes it sucks. Either way, I have learned that as I allow them the space they need to grow, and release my grip so they can grow, I am growing myself. Into the woman that I want my daughters to be, and into the woman that I want my sons to honor and respect. And when I allow them to be who they choose to be, they always come home. I have learned that there is no set formula or recipe for successful parenting. For every family is not a cookie cutter. When we add an element of fun, playtime and laughter, it eases the transition from ouch to outstanding.
Stacie…you are simply amazing!!!